Healing is not becoming the best version of yourself; healing is letting the worst version of you be loved.
One of the hardest things I know is when I've been in crisis and someone has tried to coach me out of it—telling me to be strong, pull myself together, or see the positive. Not that changing difficult patterns isn’t important. I’ve always felt a deeper longing to be met and loved exactly where I am first. I’m guessing you feel the same.
It’s as if we can only feel whole when the absolute most unlovable side of us is allowed to peek out and be seen and met by ourselves or by others. Loving the parts of us that are the most hurt and painful is difficult. Our psyche, from our earliest years, protects us from acknowledging and being with those sides. Being rejected there is simply too painful and risky.
So, we protect ourselves by becoming very self-critical of these traits or by projecting them onto others. No, you are not lazy, weak, aggressive, greedy, manipulative, or dishonest, and neither am I. It takes immense energy to keep that side of ourselves down, through self-judgment or conflict with others.
In my experience, creativity has something special to offer when it comes to getting to know these unlovable parts of ourselves. Slowly, we learn to dare to love them and even show them to others, so we can experience being met and, ultimately, loved just as we are.
There are countless ways to work with what we call the shadow—the version of ourselves we might prefer not to see. For example:
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Dance or move like it to explore and release some of its energy.
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Write a story about how this unlovable side of you would behave if you let it.
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Sing as it would sing, or sing to it.
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Role-play as that side of yourself.
Always ensure that you are grounded before starting, and be aware that strong emotions may arise. Plan how you will support yourself when the exercise is done, and approach yourself with compassion. Integration of this side takes time, and that’s okay.
The Art of Self-Healing cards include many exercises to help you safely and effectively become more whole. I’m also developing a course to support this work. Art and words by Karin von Daler ©
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